Starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Salma Hayek & Chris Rock
They say a man is a product of his choices. Everything about you is a result of a decision you made, a fork in the road where you chose to go left instead of right. With that in mind, I write this review in a state of despair. Nobody made me see Grown Ups 2. Nobody made me purchase the ticket from the judgemental indie chick behind the counter and nobody held me in my seat as the adverts and trailers ran down and I knew what was coming. I’d seen the first one, surely that would have fulfilled any critical responsibility I had applied to myself, so I truly couldn’t explain why I had done this. This isn’t even a joke. Why? I only get so many hours on this earth and two of them were irretrievably spent watching this piece of shit. God damn it
So Grown Ups 2 begins with a deer pissing on Adam Sandler’s face. Grown Ups 2 continues with a grown man standing next to an ice cream machine spewing Chocolate flavour in a manner to visually depict the illusion of him shitting himself and Grown Ups 2 ends with Adam Sandler farting on Salma Hayek, as the camera slowly pulls away from their domestic bliss and fades into the night. What’s kind of hilarious is that the cast for this movie actually contains a lot of talent. Maya Rudolph and Maria Bello are in this movie; Steve Buscemi and one of the great comedians of his age and terrible actor Chris Rock are in this movie, as are very capable SNL veterans Cheri Oteri and Tim Meadows. But it doesn’t matter, they are all lost in the suck of this deathly unfunny movie that, as far as I can tell, is mostly Adam Sandler playing a thinly veiled version of himself making fun of thinly veiled versions of people he went to high school with for being less successful than him. ‘LOL I’m a millionaire movie star and you work at an Ice Cream stand. SUCKS TO BE YOU’ etc…
The movie doesn’t really know what to do with its female talent, so Bello and Rudolph end up playing one note sweeter than sweet tolerant wives of Chris Rock and Kevin James respectively. But nothing is worse than is what is done with Salma Hayek. Look, Hayek has always looked ill at ease in light comedy, and when deprived of her trademark fiery charisma she becomes a much less effective actress. But here, the movie has got nothing to do with her other than to point out her how great her boobs look. Everyone can tell Salma Hayek looks great, but how about letting her play at least a smidgen of a character instead of walking T&A. The point of her character seems to be so Adam Sandler can point to her and say ‘Look how hot my wife is. You work at an ice cream stand. SUCKS TO BE YOU etc..
If someone put a gun to my head and said find a positive or die, I’d say that Grown Ups 2 might be the only movie ever stolen by Taylor Lautner, and is likely to be the only one ever stolen by Lautner. He equips himself to comedy much better than I would have thought given what a terrible dramatic actor he is and succeeds in being mildly amusing. Otherwise I’ve got nothing. It depresses me that enough people thought the first movie needed a sequel, but even more so that is somehow worse than that movie, and considerably so. There are better things to do with your life, like pulling out your fingernails or watching Pretty Little Liars or something. God damn it.