Film Review: Machete Kills


Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Danny Trejo, Alexa Vega, Mel Gibson

Stop it. Stop. It.  Please. The only way I can process Robert Rodriguez’s post Sin City career is to interpret it as some kind of Andy Kaufman-esque performance art, in which Robert Rodriguez is playing a character called Robert Rodriguez, a talented, enigmatic film-maker who works crazy hard to get to the top, becomes the most exciting action movie director in decades, reaches a pinnacle of critical and commercial acclaim, then decides at that point that he will spend the rest of his career making movies based around the same shitty joke.

“Hey guys, remember in the 70’s, when there was these bad ultra-violent movies, that had blood, boobs and AWESOME in them? Remember how they were so shitty the frame would burn and stuff. LOL. Well I plan to spend the next ten years of my life paying homage to these movies nobody knows or cares about,  or even saw? Isn’t that hilarious?”

Cut to Grindhouse bombing and getting critically savaged.

“ I don’t know Robert, people didn’t seem to get it, man. Maybe you should do something different for your next movie. Like really distance yourself, like Quentin Tarantino is doing? Go back to basics.”

“ Oh I’m sorry,I didn’t realize I worked for CHICKEN SHIT STUDIOS. LOL. You know what the move is. The move is to make a full length feature from one of the joke trailers that we stuck in between our two masterpieces Planet Terror and Death Proof. People seem to be hating on Death Proof more but that’s not for me to say. That’s what we’re gonna do.

Cut to Machete bombing critically and commercially.

“ Robert. I have kids man, I want to send them to college some day. Come on man, let’s make Sin City 2, people loved that. They loved it….

“ I’m hearing you, I am. But let me counter your proposal with a proposal. We make Machete 2 AKA Machete Kills. FUCK YEAH.”

“ Come on Robert. Please. Men in suits are coming to my house man, they say I owe them money. Lets make…


Cut to Machete Kills bombing critically and commercially. To the extreme.

“ Fuck you Robert. I used to be someone. Now all I have is this box. I have to sleep in it.”

“ I’m hearing you. I am. But we got to commit to the bit, bro. Picture this Machete Kills….Again…In Space. Come on I even put TWO trailers for this non-existent sequel to this sequel IN THIS SEQUEL. You can not deprive me of my artistic vision brother, I am a visionary.”

“ Nobody gives a fuck about these movies Robert. Nobody thinks this joke is funny. Three movies. Three.  I could have been a contender!”

Cut to Late at night, a man surfing the internet sees a video pop up in his subscription feed.  The poster? RROD.

“ Hello people of the world. My name is Robert Rodriguez. I make movies. Back in the day I made El Mariachi, Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, Sin City. Movies that were great. But you may have noticed that these days, I make movies that aren’t that great. In fact they play like self-parody. Like I’m sneering at that same energy and exuberance that made my earlier films so good, that made me so good. I even make people feel sorry for Danny Trejo, even though I gave him his own franchise. This because after I made Sin City, a movie that was truly something people had never seen before, I decided that this was the best movie I could ever make. This was it. So rather than spend the next 20 years chasing my own shadow into the depths of fear and despair. I decided to spend the rest of my career making a point. And that point is, that my name is Robert Rodriguez, and idiots will give me millions of dollars to do what the fuck I want. I’ve been making deliberately terrible films to show you how I am truly no longer one of you. I am ascended.

(If you’re not going to make a proper film Robert, I’m not going to write a proper review either.)


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